Texts from Yokai Academy
by FullmetalVampire123
Summary: Welcome to the land of wild parties, hangovers, vodka, marijuana, and drunken stupidity. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Then it's hilarious.


**So I'm sure a few of you may have seen Texts From Last Night? It's a site that posts ridiculous text messages about partying/sex/drugs/etc. Then there's numerous tumblrs like "Texts from Forks" or "Texts from Hogwarts" that put entries from TFLN on screen caps. It's funny junk.**

**I decided to write little, slightly interconnected oneshots, each one based on a text message off of the site. With R+V characters. Partying. Like maniacs.**

**It's OOC, and takes place AFTER season II. Assuming they all live through the assault on Fairy Tale. They're juniors. Gin's a senior. They all follow a YOLO life philosophy.**

**And there's also an on-campus bar and grill called "Ryder's Bar & Grill" that is often featured as a location for them to get drunk/screw up their lives/eat food. Joe Ryder is a Yokai alumni that opened the first on-campus restaurant, but he's not featured much. He just ends up cleaning up after the News Club crew.**

**So, without further adieu, please enjoy Texts from Yokai Academy!**

***?***

A soft, buzzing sound awoke Tsukune Aono on a pleasant Saturday morning.

Well, pleasant aside from the horrible, throbbing pain in his head.

… hangovers are a bitch.

He picked up his new iPhone (the old one was brutally murdered by Kurumu when she wanted to see how far she could throw it in a vodka induced stupor; needless to say, he has an OtterBox now) and unlocked it. Instagram was still open. Curse him for letting Mizore borrow his phone. He closed it and checked his text messages.

**From: Mokaaaa :)**

**U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"**

Oh dear kami.

Suddenly, the events of last night came back to him.

They hurt like hell too.

***?***

"Let's get CRUUUUNK!" screamed Kurumu, swinging a six pack of freshly purchased beer in the air.

Gin plucked a can out of the air.

"Look out, Kurumu is possessed by Kesha's ghost," mumbled Yukari.

"Kesha's not dead," said Gin, taking a sip.

"Soon," Yukari spoke in a deep voice.

The News Club crew had just left Ryder's Bar & Grill (the most popular on-campus restaurant) with a party on their minds. They had just published the last newspaper before spring break. As for every other minor event in their lives, this called for a celebration of epic (booze) proportions.

"Who's dorm room are we using?" asked the werewolf.

"Tsukune's," the gang answered in perfect synchronization.

"Seriously? It took me a week to get the blood stains out last time!" complained the boy in question.

"Unless you wanna call up the Bus Driver and ask him to drive us around while we blast 'Call Me Maybe' and beat our fists on the ceiling while we record it on video, we're using your dorm room," Gin said.

"We're so doing that on spring break, though," called Moka.

"I second that motion," said Mizore.

"Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy! But here's my number! SO CALL ME MAYBE!" Kurumu half-sang, half-screamed.

"Someone's a little _too _crunk," said Kokoa.

"Nah, she's just getting started," responded Tsukune. "Wait till later. _The lesbian within emerges…_"

It was the redheaded vampire's first real "party night" with the News Club. She refused to go before, but after hearing numerous rumors about their legendary club-exclusive parties, she decided to see one for herself.

From what she had seen so far, it involved overeating, puking, getting drunk, and random ass shit like mini golf played with long sticks and pinecones (the holes were made by someone lying down and spreading their legs). That was just the walk from Ryder's to the dorms.

When they arrived at Tsukune's door, he grudgingly unlocked it to reveal his rather spacious room.

"Break out the booze, bi-otches!"

Now, although Yokai Academy didn't have any rules directly banning the use of alcohol, it didn't totally allow it either. However, after the PSC's defeat in their first year, there were less campus police and more reckless parties. Just two weeks ago, the archery club held a wild one _in the archery range. _The infirmary was full of arrow-to-the-knee victims the following day.

The News Club's parties were _much worse. _Why? Because it's pretty much the most dangerous people in the school drunk and on some kind of drugs. And, of course, Inner Moka always made an appearance, whether Tsukune was drunk at that point or not. And Ura at a wild party was like a ticking time bomb. At some point, someone was going to get hurt. It was like an unspoken law: _This bitch is going to hurt someone before the night is over._

Tonight, Tsukune was quite worried it would be him since he hadn't got the shit end of the kick in a while. However, tonight, Kokoa was on the party scene. Maybe he'd get lucky and she'd see what the business end of drunk Moka's foot felt like.

Outer Moka always started out nervous. No matter how many parties they threw, she was always nervous that they would get into trouble.

"You guys, what if we get caught?"

"Who's gonna catch us?"

"I'm just worried!"

Eventually, they made her play the "Nervous Drinking Game". Every time she got nervous, she took a vodka shot. In about ten minutes she was tip-_saaaaaay_.

"Kurumu, have I ever told you how much I love you? Because I love you. A lot."

"Good. Have a cucumber slice."

About thirty minutes into the festivities, Gin pulled out the drugs.

This was where everything usually started going downhill.

Tsukune could hold his liquor _very _well. Marijuana? Haha, drop everything and smoke. It was not a party without the drunk ex-human running around, high as fuck.

As he took a joint from Gin, he fondly recalled a poker game some time ago where he announced "I don't like to gamble when the steaks are this high." and pointed above his head where he had nailed two medium rare steaks to the ceiling.

Kurumu could hold her liquor if she wanted to, but she drank so much she usually threw up before 11 and ended up stumbling around doing stupid shit. She'd spent six days in the infirmary after jumping out of a dorm window into an imaginary pool. And she can _fly. _After that incident, she made sure to check which dorms had pools below them and which didn't _before _she got wasted.

Let's not even start on the time (Outer) Moka dived out a 4th story window into a pool that _was _there.

Inner Moka can hold her liquor _forever_, but Outer Moka can't, and Omote is usually the one that starts the drinking. By the time Ura gets out, she so disoriented she can hardly walk straight.

That doesn't mean she's not dangerous.

About two hours into the party, it happened. Big explosion, lots of bats, you get the picture. A drunk, stoned, super vampire was on the loose.

She stumbled past Mizore and Kurumu making out on the couch and into the kitchen. She found Kokoa, high as piss, curled up _inside the stove _singing karaoke.

"So what we get druuuunk, so what we smoke weeeeed? We're just havin' fuuuun, we don't care who seeees!"

Moka was angry that the stove had such beautiful singing skills.

_CRASH __**BANG!**_

"No, not the stove!" screamed Tsukune with what little consciousness he had left.

"'Least it wasn't you," mumbled Yukari.

With her duty of pain done for the night, Moka collapsed in the floor in front of the TV with some Doritos and a joint.

Fifteen minutes later, she _was _Marceline the Vampire Queen.

Leaving Adventure Time on in a dorm room of drunken potheads was probably not a very good idea from the get go.

Meanwhile, Tsukune had gone past the point of no return.

"Shots, shots, shots!" he sang, drinking one and walking towards his dresser.

"SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!" he screamed, throwing them everywhere.

"Woooo!" said Kurumu, lying in the floor pawing at the socks like a cat.

Across the room, Moka was making a bass guitar out of a tennis racket that had appeared out of nowhere.

Mizore was trying to talk to the Ice King through the TV.

Yukari was throwing up in the fridge.

Gin and Fong-Fong were eating socks.

Kokoa was stuck in a crushed stove.

Ruby was tied to the ceiling.

Then the power went out.

Everyone froze in the darkness.

It was silent.

"SOOOOCKS!"

***?***

Tsukune shook his aching head and surveyed the damage. Socks were everywhere, some of them torn and half-eaten. A broken tennis racket (that he did not own, fyi) was lodged in the ceiling, right next to a gaping hole. His TV was encased in ice. There were claw marks in his carpet.

He got up to get some food out of the kitchen. He glanced briefly at the crushed stove.

Inside the fridge, it was pretty much just vomit everywhere. He added to it in disgust.

When Tsukune shut the (broken) fridge door, the stove cried "Help."

**Next chapter's text message:**

**she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant**


End file.
